Friday, 16 November 2012

The mosquitos, they will rape me in my sleep.

We're having a heatwave right now in the UK. And with a heatwave comes two unpleasant things: fats sweat more, and mosquitos.

Enough about the fats. We have the rest of our lives to fisk them and their greedy, lazy worthlessness. Besides, fats don't bother me in my own home. They don't come flying in through my window in the middle of summer. And although I might joke about it, I don't genuinely fear that a fat might get so hungry that he tries to eat me.

Not so for the mosquitos.

Every summer it's the same. You have to open the windows or you'll suffocate. But that's just what they want you to do. Like minitaure vampires, these little flying bloodsuckers have to be invited in.
And so there comes a day, each summer, when I settle down to sleep, but then I hear it.
That unmistakeable high-pitched drone.
BzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz ...
And it won't stop. For some reason they go nuts when I turn off the light.
And of course, as soon as I turn it back on again, they stop flying and land where they are - on some obscure wall fixing or skirting board, where I can't see them.
So begins the midnight summer mosquito massacre.
It's never just one of the bastards. I have to launch an entire holocaust just to be able to get some rest. Half an hour and a vicious killing spree later, I think, maybe I won't hear that dreaded buzzing again when I turn out the light. But you can never quite be sure.
Why don't I ignore it, and just go to sleep? Because it just so happens to be the time of year when it gets too hot to use the cover in bed. I am asleep, defenceless, utterly exposed to them and their evil plots to pierce my naked flesh and steal my blood.
They fucking cut me, and steal my blood. What the fuck?
I realized today that this must be how it feels to be a beautiful young feminist walking alone at night past a pack of carnivorous, necrophiliac, penis-wielding, inferior genetic mutations commonly known as men. Much like the feminist who is almost-raped when a man asks her for coffee in an elevator, I am totally vulnerable to the predations of these disgusting animals as they look for any chance to penetrate my virtuous body.
All mosquitos are rapists, and that's all they are. If Susan Brownmiller can bravely denigrate an entire demographic, then surely I can cast aspersions of a similar kind against my own assailants. Although I do happen to know that it's actually only female mosquitos that bite you and suck your blood. The mansquitos just fly around, chilling out and probably eating berries and shit.
I was going to draw the inevitable analogy, but then I found out Dick Masterson already did that and even pre-dated my use of 'mansquito.'
Women and mosquitoes both:
1. Suck your blood.
2. Hate “bananas”.
3. Never stop buzzing in your fucking ears.
Incredible. I wish he was still writing.

- Mojo


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  2. so fuckin true ... going to sleep is basically saying 'help yourself' :(